RESOLUTE
A new year brings another round of resolutions and goal setting. I’ve never been one for resolutions, my rebellious streak often prevents me from participating in group actions regardless of the benefits to my health. I swear I’d remain in a burning building if too many people rushed out in unison. Alas, I have landed on some areas of focus for 2024: Health, Wealth, and Art. Revelatory, I know. I’ll spare you the specifics but I do want to share a practice I’ve been utilizing to help me achieve my goals, and I regret to inform you it is a trendy practice … meditation.
It’s Times Square between these ears, it has been all my life. I used to believe my noisy brain was an asset, obvious proof that I had an active and therefore powerful mind. My attempts to silence my mind felt like Superman knowingly ingesting kryptonite. Why kill the part of me that makes me me? Should I feel bad for having thoughts? I spent the latter half of my 20s experiencing the slowest ego death imaginable, but what emerged from that prolonged cringing was the realization that there weren’t many actions tied to all those thoughts. For as energized as I was mentally, I was lethargic physically. Those thoughts, no matter how detailed and grandiose, did not equate to many wins. Why?
My inability to maintain deep focus began around sophomore year of college. That tracks with the rise of social media but I’m not yet humble enough to admit that Jack Dorsey killed my mind. The dopamine rush that comes from an endless scroll is a lot like the kind I’d experience chasing thoughts. Drifting from one exciting fabrication to the next, replaying confrontations in my memory palace and crafting solutions to catastrophes yet to occur felt exciting and productive. In reality I was drowning in the dopamine of the replay booth and accomplishing NOTHING! The loses I tallied as I stepped into year 30 allowed to realize the work I needed to do on myself and how meditation could be a useful tool. It would be three full years before I would tackle this realization in earnest.
I entered 2024 with a seven week long daily meditation streak which is now closing on its twelfth week. What began as a friendly challenge from my therapist has transformed into an essential routine, a borderline compulsion. While I can’t say that this practice has changed my life the insight that comes from sustained noticing gives me the power to do so. I am definitely at peace for more hours of the day then I used to be. I am able to see sporadic thoughts for what they are, just random thoughts. I am no longer interested in dissecting the validity, morality, or rationality of these thoughts. These thoughts are not problems to solve because most of them can’t be and if they could be they would just be followed by more thoughts in the queue, like an endless scroll.
Rest in Power, King Weathers
If you feel like you’re your biggest obstacle maybe a mindfulness practice can do you some good. The beginning will be brutally uncomfortable. You will wonder if you’re “doing it right,” and think you’re broken for not being able to quiet your mind. But as time goes on you’ll understand that the true gift in returning to the silence is the awareness you gain. Awareness of your thought patterns and anxieties. The tingles that arrive when a deep breath meets an empty mind. The joy that erupts when you reach that zen state but only notice as you’re slipping out of it. This practice won’t make you less than nor will it solve all your problems, but if you show up to this gym every day I guarantee you’ll get swole.